The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
vagina is talking i cant
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
