I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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