im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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