More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
