Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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