I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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