Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize