I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
