this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
