I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
