omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
