I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
