Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
