I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
