Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
