Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
