I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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