Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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