Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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