I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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