We're like a lot better than the average bears
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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