The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize