is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
