I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he fucked my hip out of place.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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