We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
