sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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