I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
