yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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