i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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