We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
