Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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