Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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