Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
