I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The air taste purple.
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