I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
