My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
