I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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