I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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