i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i've created a new STD.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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