Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
