He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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