Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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