Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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