if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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