Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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