she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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