i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
