Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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