I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
