you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
