I wish I could punch you in the face.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I die, sorry about rent.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
