When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
