I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
