If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
