Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
