so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
