I wish I could teleport
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
