i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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