There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
