Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize