You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
