I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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