So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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