my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
