I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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