Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
