hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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