Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
