Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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