I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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