I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
